I'm laying in your front yard are you home
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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