My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
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No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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