Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
