I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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