Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
