The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sext me about skeletons
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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