Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
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Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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