this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
