I haven't been this sober since birth.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We're too hungover to prance.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
