remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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