I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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