Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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