Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
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I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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