I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
