You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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