I need to stop coming to work sober
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.