After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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