I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
