hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So much rum. So many feels.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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