We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
