I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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