I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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