you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
