I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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