just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
