I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
