I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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