And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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