i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
