I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
