um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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