just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
