this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
