Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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