You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
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Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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