I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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