My friends, they love my intelligence
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
