Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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