nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
