every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
