my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
