I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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