why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
