We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
barbara walters just said penis...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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