you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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