I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
