So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
