I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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