I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
