her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
