JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
